If you know me, you know how much I adore Taylor Swift. Always have and always will. I have immense respect for her, and with that respect, I think it is my right – no, my duty, to be honest. This album was disappointing. It felt rushed, sloppy, and disjointed. It feels very commercial, sanitized, and honestly, kind of dumbed down. Thematically, it is also all over the place. Overall, the production is great. The beats are strong and catchy, and I love that we can hear real instruments rather than just the synth (no offense, Jack). I also feel that Taylor hyped this album up a lot, and it fell flat. Let’s get into it:

1. The Fate of Ophelia

Now this is Taylor Swift. This song had me so excited for the rest of the album… I want to go back to who I was before I listened to track five on. The production? Immaculate. A true bop. The lyrics? Poetic and intelligent. The concept? Lovely and deep. 10/10.

2. Elizabeth Taylor

Another 10 in my eyes. This feels very on-brand for Taylor, lyrically, conceptually, etc. I love that it starts soft, then BAM! We get a reputation era power ballad. There are so many Elizabeth Taylor-themed Easter eggs in here that I had to look up what half of it meant, but I love that. It’s kind of a “If you know, you know” situation. But, at the same time, not knowing that half of the references are to Elizabeth Taylor perfume lines doesn’t change the fact that it’s catchy as hell. So, you can stay surface level and it’s still a bop, or you can go deeper and really understand the lyrics. A choose your own adventure, one could say.

3. Opalite

This is a tough one for me. The verses are bland, boring, and I hate the cadence. It kind of feels like an AI written song. However, I really enjoy the chorus: “It’s alright, you were dancing through the lightning strikes. Sleepless in the onyx night, But now the sky is opalite”. The imagery of onyx and opalite versus black and blue is really pretty and poetic. I had to look up what opalite looks like, and that is indeed the color of the sky. Who knew? This is what I’m talking about with showing us rather than telling us. Imagery, people! It is not dead! I’m still unsure of how I feel about the bridge, “and I can bring you love, love, love, love, love, don’t you sweat it baby”. It feels vintage, which I like, but I felt uneasy for some reason during it. I think I like it, but the jury is still out.

4. Father Figure

Are we still talking about Scooter Braun? Taylor, I love you and support your spite, and I love, love, love that you will be making money off of a diss track, but can we get back to the plot? Actually, that brings up a good question of what exactly the plot is. Are we talking about being in love? Are we bashing the music industry? This feels like two separate mini-albums crammed into one.

I am a fan of the line: “They wanna see you rise, they don’t want you to reign”, and the end chorus is pretty fun to sing:

“I was your father figure
We drank that brown liquor
You made a deal with this devil, turns out my dick’s bigger
You want a fight, you found it
I got the place surrounded
You’ll be sleeping with the fishes before you know you’re drownin’
Whose portait’s on the mantel?
Who covered up your scandals?
Mistake my kindness for weakness and find your card cancelled
I was your father figure
you pulled the wrong trigger
This empire belongs to me
Leave it with me”

Again, it’s growing on me.

5. Eldest Daughter

I don’t want to talk about it.

6. Ruin the Friendship

I actually want to cry and not in a good way. Taylor, girl. What is this? Eldest Daughter was trash, and I will say nothing more on the matter. This is not much better, but it is slightly less infuriating to the point that I will allow myself to comment. How did the same woman who brought us “God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be, the tomb won’t close, stained glass windows in my mind, I regret you all the time” also give us “Have fun (Mm-mm), it’s prom (Mm-mm)”.

Can we also stop romanticizing high school? I am damn-near 30. “It’s for the younger generation of Swifites,” oh, on the same album where, in three songs from now, she’s not so subtly referring to Travis’s “magic wand”. Also, I guess the guy in this dies? Bad. Bad. Bad.

7. Actually Romantic

Lowkey a banger. Kind of petty, but I do enjoy it. It’s catchy and fun:

You think I’m tacky, baby
Stop talking dirty to me
It sounded nasty, but it
Feels like you’re flirting with me
I mind my business, God’s my witness that I don’t provoke it
It’s kind of making me wet (Oh)

Up until that last line… Taylor, this is not you. Very cringey.

8. Wi$h Li$t

Ughhhhhhhh. I fear the love part of her brain has invaded the intelligent lyric portion of her brain. I like the concept – she doesn’t care about the things she used to because now she has her love, but was this a first draft? “Got me dreamin’ ’bout a driveway with a basketball hoop” Boooooo. I also do not like her voice in this one – the super high raspy voice is annoying.

We can still see glimpses of the old Taylor in there. In the bridge, it starts off rough: “I made wishes on all of the stars, Please, God, bring me a best friend who I think is hot.” HUH? “I thought I had it right, once, twice, but I did not” Okay, okay. Good cadence, I like it. “You caught me off my guard, I hope I get what I want” aaaaaaand we’ve lost her.

9. Wood

Verse 1 – chorus: Oh, okay, “Wood” is like “knock on wood”. She’s talking about superstitions: unlucky pennies, stepping on cracks, black cats… Okay. It’s clever. This could be good.

Post-chorus: “Redwood tree, it ain’t hard to see, his love was the key that opened my thighs”

I’m sorry, what? So “Wood” is actually referring to… Do you want us to give you the room? This feels private, and I should not be listening to this. This is why Travis was so excited about this album.

If you listen with your ears, it’s good. If you listen with your brain, it’s bad.

10. CANCELLED!

I kind of hate to say it, because it feels like we may be treading into Blake Lively defender territory, but I like this one. Yes, there are cringey parts… “did you girlboss too close to the sun?” feels like a weird aunt trying to relate to the youths. I will also say that it might not have been a good idea to put “far” in front of “too” in that tempo. “Did they catch you having far too much fun?” sounds like “Did they catch you having farts”.

But “something wicked this way comes”, “welcome to my underworld where it gets quite dark”, and “I salute you if you’re much too much to handle”. I can’t deny that it is catchy, even if it is commercial and predictable.

11. Honey

May I offer you one more boring, bland flop before the finale? “You can call me “Honey” if you want because I’m the one you want” huh.

12. The Life of a Showgirl (Feat. Sabrina Carpenter)

This is the only song that should be on this album. I do enjoy this song, and I love what Sabrina brings to it. This reminded me of what the album was supposed to be about.

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So, in summation, I am in a state of mourning, playing “Bigger Than The Whole Sky” on repeat.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You were bigger than the whole sky
You were more than just a short time
And I’ve got a lot to pine about
I’ve got a lot to live without
I’m never gonna meet
What could’ve been, would’ve been
What should have been you

Finally, I will leave you with my restructure of where I think these songs belong:

The Life of a Showgirl:
The Life of a Showgirl (Feat. Sabrina Carpenter)
(Add 11 more songs that are about showbiz or at least have some razzle dazzle)

Reputation Vault Tracks:
Elizabeth Taylor
Father Figure
Actually Romantic
CANCELLED!

Folklore Vault Tracks:
The Fate of Ophelia
Opalite

Trash:
Eldest Daughter
Ruin the Friendship
Wi$h Li$t
Wood
Honey